Mein Kampf
by Cameron Kennedy
Summary: In which America reads a book and abridges history as we know it. Crack-ish.


**Notes:** This fic - or maybe just the fandom in general - is too crackish to be taken seriously. XD It's my first attempt of anything outside of Death Note, so if it sucks than that's why. You can totally hate on it if you want. Really, I'll take it constructively... somehow...

I'm perfectly aware that there is an episode of the anime where the Allies find Germany's diary and try to use that to find his weakness... I wrote this before I'd seen that one, actually. Besides, I think this is different enough that it qualifies as fanfiction.

(Also, for the people that bothered to put me on their Author Alerts, you might see a couple more random one-shots in the near future - I wrote a boatload of short fics for Christmas presents and am just now getting around to publishing some of them. This one happens to be for the great and powerful **Nikki**!... In case you're interested. ^^)

_Disclaimer:_ Look at the name of the creator of Hetalia, now look back at my penname, now back at the creator's name, now back at mine. Sadly, my name is not his, but I sure wish it was, because I don't own Hetalia (...or Old Spice... darn it...).

* * *

**Mein Kampf**

* * *

"Alright, time to start the meeting," England announced to the Allies. "China?"

"Present-aru," the Asian said.

"Russia?"

"Here," came the soft reply.

"France?"

"Wishing zat I was somewhere else."

England chose to ignore that comment. "Well, England is definitely here... America?"

No reply.

"...America?" England glanced up from his papers and realized that America was there, but... "Is that a book?" he asked, dumbfounded.

Indeed, America seemed strangely engrossed in a book.

"No way! America cannot read!" China exclaimed. "He's too busy eating burgers all the time to know how to read-aru!"

Actually, China's theory seemed to hold some water: America seemed to be staring at the pages a bit too intently, as though he didn't quite understand what he was looking at.

Impatiently, Russia whacked America on the head with his faucet. The younger country snapped out of it instantly. "Dude! Like, what'd I miss?"

"...Are you okay?" England asked. "What kind of book is that?"

"What - book - OH! This?" America hid the book behind his back. "This is nothing. Ha ha, nope, nothing at all!"

"I bet zat it iz somezing very sexy," France stated with an odd gleam in his eyes.

America became so flustered by that, it took him a full five seconds to realize that England had snatched the book out of his hand when he wasn't paying attention. Of course, by then it was far too late to do anything about it. "...'Mein Kampf'?" the Briton asked, wide-eyed. "You're reading a bloody _German_ book?"

The Allies proceeded to stare at America even more. China then began to shout at him for reading an enemy's publication, France began to yell something related to some past war that everyone else had forgotten about, and England got very upset and began scolding about how English titles were much better than anything else that German writers could possibly produce. Russia, as per usual, didn't say much of anything, but he looked rather bewildered by the scene and absentmindedly began beating his faucet against his open left palm.

"HOLD ON!" America interrupted them all. "I have a good reason for reading a German book!"

"You'd better," England huffed, "or the unicorns will come and get you."

America had no idea what that meant, but he wasn't willing to take chances on it. "Okay, so this dude named Adolf Hitler apparently wrote a book on how Germans are gonna, like, take over the world or something, and so I was reading it because I thought it might help us form a battle plan!"

The other countries glanced at each other. "...That is, actually, a really good idea," China stated.

"Does this make me a hero?" America asked hopefully.

England sighed. "You self-centered git..."

But, regardless, England had to admit that America's plan did make some sense. And so, the Allies actually got shit done and spent the rest of the afternoon learning German to translate all 720 pages of Mein Kampf.

* * *

Germany, who was standing with his ear on the crack of the door to the meeting hall, blinked.

_...Damn._

He decided that the best course of action would be to just back away slowly and get rid of this Hitler guy really, really quickly.

* * *

**Notes:** And that was how our lovable America spared the world the horrors of WWII!... Or something along those lines. (Hey, I said that this fic abridged history, remember? :P)

Hitler really did publish a book called "Mein Kampf," and apparently a part of it really _did_ explain his plan for taking over the world. I've never actually read it, but for the most part I trust my dad and the extreme basic outlines on Wikipedia. ^^

Review, before Ivan shows up with that nasty pipe of his!


End file.
